


A Bit of Sirius Humor

by ShireLass



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Americanisms, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Humor, Muggle Technology, Random humor, Randomness, Short and stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:28:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 13,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShireLass/pseuds/ShireLass
Summary: A series of short, silly ficlets about everyone's favorite godfather. Remus makes frequent guest appearances, much to his despair.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Kudos: 3





	1. Sirius Meets Larry

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from FFN.
> 
> These ficlets were originally written waaay back in 2005. You have been warned.

Sirius was out taking a stroll in the park. He wasn't supposed to be in the park, of course, since he was supposed to be in hiding and if the Big Bad Ministry of Magic caught sight of him they would huff and puff and blow his house down, and then haul him off jail, but Sirius was feeling quite fearless that afternoon.

As he prowled down the sidewalk in a set of black Muggle clothes, he met a squirrel. "Greetings, my squirrely pal," said Sirius, who was sensitive towards all animals.

The squirrel took one look at Sirius, then scampered up a tree and out of sight.

"You'll always be in my heart, squirrel friend," Sirius said as he looked at the tree sadly. "You'll always be in my heart."

Sirius soon forgot the squirrel and continued to stroll down the sidewalk. After about five minutes of casual strolling, he met a Muggle man.

"Hello!" said the Muggle. "My name is Larry."

"My name is Sirius," said Sirius, keeping his voice down so that no one would hear. "Would you like to be my friend, Larry? I don't have very many friends because I'm on the run from the law and my mother frightens people."

"I don't have many friends either," Larry said sadly.

"Well, I have to go now," said Sirius. "I'm not really supposed to be in the park. I'm not even supposed to be outside." He waved farewell to Larry and headed back home.

Larry bought an ice cream cone and shared it with a squirrel. The squirrel soon became an addict to ice cream and had to go to an Ice Creamaholics Anonymous meeting to overcome this strange addiction. The poor squirrel was never cured.


	2. Letters From Larry

"Sirius, you have a letter," said Remus, handing Sirius an envelope.

Sirius was pleased with this. "Oh, joy. I just love getting mail." Before he got a chance to open it however, Remus came back and said, "Sirius, you have another letter." He handed Sirius a second envelope.

Sirius felt like doing a victory dance. "Double joy. Even more mail!"

Before he could even _think_ about opening the letters, Remus returned again. "Sirius, you have another letter." He gave Sirius yet another envelope.

"Who in the world could be writing to me?" Sirius wondered. "Triple joy, I suppose!" He was just about to grab hold of one of his letters, when Remus came back _again_.

"Remus, stop that," said Sirius. "Can't you just stay in one place for once?"

"Don't blame me. The letters are forcing me to do it!" Remus replied. "Here, you have six more letters." He handed the six letters over to Sirius. "Who in their right mind would write all these letters to you?"

Sirius looked at the envelopes of each letter before opening them. "Oh, they're from my Muggle friend Larry. I met him in the park."

Remus was shocked and appalled. "You actually gave him your address?"

"Hmm... now that I think about it, I don't remember telling him. Perhaps Larry can read minds?"

"Well read your letters already!"

"All right, then." Sirius opened up his letters, one by one in order. They said:

_Hi, Sirius. From, Larry._

_Hi again, Sirius. From, Larry._

_Sirius, I saw a squirrel. From, Larry._

_Sirius, I think there's a mouse in my sock drawer. From, Larry._

_Hey Sirius, the mouse is starting to scare me. From, Larry._

_Hello, hello, Sirius. From, Larry._

_Sirius, do you know the Muffin Man? From, Larry._

_Hi Sirius, I have to go clean my shower now. From, Larry._

_Goodbye, Sirius. From, Larry._

Sirius' eyes brimmed with tears. "Those are the most wonderful and heart-touching letters I have ever received." He put the letters under his pillow for safekeeping. Kreacher found them one day and was horribly jealous.


	3. Sirius Goes to the Mall

Sirius decided to go to the shopping mall. He wasn't supposed to go to the shopping mall since he might get arrested, but since when did he follow rules?

He peddled to the mall on his handy-dandy pink tricycle that he stole from a Muggle girl, but upon his arrival he found that the parking lot was jam-packed. "Oh no! I can't find a parking spot!" He finally decided to park his tricycle in the bicycle display that sat in front of a sporting goods store. Hopefully no one would mistake it for merchandise and buy it.

Once his tricycle was safe and secure, Sirius walked into the mall. "What will I do first?" he wondered. He wished that Larry was there, but Larry was busy sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons.

"I'm hungry," Sirius decided. He walked over to the food court, found a pizza place, and got in line behind a couple of young boys.

One of the boys had fake pointed ears and a bow slung over his back, while the other had a fake lightning bolt scar drawn on his forehead and a plastic stick in his hand. "Harry Potter is so much better than Lord of the Rings!" the second boy said.

"No it isn't!" said the boy with the fake pointed ears. "Lord of the Rings is better!"

"Harry Potter!"

"Lord of the Rings!"

"Harry Potter!"

"Lord of the Rings!"

Sirius was extremely confused. Why would anyone be fighting over his godson? He knew Harry was famous and everything, but he didn't know he was _that_ popular.

The pointy-eared boy started chanting, "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul!"

The boy with the fake scar pointed his stick at the other boy and yelled, "Avada Kadavra!"

Sirius was now very disturbed. He ran out of the mall and tried to get on his pink tricycle, but an old woman had already bought it. Deeply saddened, Sirius walked home and distracted himself with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. The tricycle was instantly forgotten, though Sirius would always secretly miss it.


	4. Strange Muggle Device

Sirius sat in the kitchen sipping tea with his breakfast, when Remus entered the kitchen carrying a box. "You've got mail!"

"Remus, are you my official mailman or something?"

Remus handed over the box. "No, but I've always wanted to be a Muggle mailman. It's been my most secret, deepest, darkest dream for as long as I can remember!"

Sirius ignored this dark revelation and eagerly ripped open the package, causing scraps of brown paper to fly all over the kitchen. Once he had opened the box and discovered its contents, he stared at it for a long moment. "What in the name of Merlin is this thing? It looks evil!"

Remus read the words on the box. "DVD player. I think I've heard of those! It's a strange device that Muggles use."

Sirius shuddered. "Well it looks evil to me!"

"Who's it from?"

Sirius looked at the card that came with the package. "Oh, it's from Larry, my Muggle friend. I want to set up this TNT or whatever it's called right away."

So Sirius and Remus, with the help of the handy-dandy instruction manual, spent five whole hours trying to hook up the DVD player. They finally succeeded.

Sirius clapped his hands in delight. "Success at last! I can't wait to use it."

He sat down on the couch and was about to use the DVD player, when a horrible realization sank in. He didn't have a television.


	5. Television

"By the beard of Dumbledore!" Sirius exclaimed, gazing upon the large, box-like object that sat in his home. "I've finally got my very own Muggle televiser set."

"Television," Remus corrected.

Sirius and Remus spent ten and a half hours trying to set up the television and finally accomplished their task. Sirius was filled with a deep sense of pride. Now he could use the DVD player Larry kindly sent him.

Over the last few days, Sirius had memorized the instructions that came with the DVD player and became an expert on how to operate the device. He probably knew more than the Muggles did. Possibly even more than the people who had created the DVD player.

"This is fantastic," said Sirius. "Except there's one problem. I don't have any DVDs."

Remus, who had mysteriously disappeared, strolled back into the room. "You've got mail, Sirius!" He handed Sirius a box.

"How wonderful," Sirius declared. "I do love boxes."

"No, not the box itself. There's something inside it!"

"So there is." Sirius opened up the box and gasped at what he found. "A DVD from Larry! He must be a mind reader or something." He proudly showed Remus his DVD, which happened to be _Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl_.

"Oh dear," said Remus. "Now you're going to be corrupted by mindless Muggle entertainment. Leave me out of this!" He departed from the room to find something more productive to do.

"Suit yourself," said Sirius.


	6. Aye, Savvy!

"Ahoy there, Remus," said Sirius. "Aye, aye!"

Remus stared at his friend in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"I ain't got a clue, mate. Savvy?" Sirius took an apple out of his pocket and bit into it with a loud crunch. "Arrgh, that's interesting."

Remus was now quite worried. "Sirius, have you fallen ill or something?"

"No, I'm just trying to model my life after Captain Jack Sparrow. You should have watched _Pirates of the Caribbean_ , Remus. Jack Sparrow may be a Muggle, but he's become my new role model and I wish to live a life of piracy from now on. Savvy?"

"Oh no," Remus moaned. "Why did that crazy Larry expose you to these things? I knew this would happen!"

Sirius looked at him in awe. "Wow, are you a mind reader like Larry?" He took another bite of his apple. "Ye know, I think I'll be eatin' these apples every day now. Savvy?"

"Stop saying savvy," said Remus.

"No. Savvy?"

"Stop it."

"Why's the rum gone?" Sirius demanded. "Where is it, ye scurvy dog?"

Remus was more worried than ever before. "Sirius, I believe you've officially gone insane. Of course, you've always been insane, but it hadn't become official until today."

"Ye have to call me Cap'n Black now," Sirius ordered. "Savvy?"

"No," said Remus. "I'm not going to call you Captain Black."

Sirius pointed an accusing finger at him. "There be a mutineer among us! Aye! The deepest circle of hell is reserved for traitors and mutineers, ye know."

"You're frightening me, Sirius."

" _Cap'n_ Sirius. I'm a Captain."

"You are not."

"I bloody well am. Now be gone, me mutinous first mate! Savvy?"

Remus didn't even bother talking to Sirius anymore. He simply left the house and ran for his life. He probably wouldn't be paying Sirius any more visits for quite a while.


	7. Who's Hotter?

Sirius had watched _Pirates of the Caribbean_ eight more times over a span of three days. Remus managed to strike up the courage to visit him again.

"You know what, Remus?" Sirius said. "I'm rather upset because Jack Sparrow and Will Turner might be sexier than I am."

Remus raised an eyebrow at this. "Do explain."

"Well _he_ gets the gorgeous woman, for one thing," said Sirius, pointing at the picture of Will Turner on his DVD cover. "Just look at him. Tell me if he's hot!"

"Sirius, I'm not interested in men, so I'm not going to check him out." Remus shoved the DVD away.

"Well I need an opinion on who's hotter."

"Then go ask some girls."

"That's a great idea." Sirius put away his DVD and went outside, dragging Remus with him. They walked down the street for a while until they came upon a girl, and Sirius tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but who do you think is hotter? Me or Will Turner?"

"Did you just mention Will Turner?" the girl squealed. She fainted and landed in a heap on the sidewalk,

"Er, I didn't do it." Sirius rushed across the street to the other side, where he found another girl. "Remus, you ask this time."

"Fine." Remus approached the second girl. "Do you think my friend here is hotter than Will Turner?"

"Creep!" the girl yelled. She ran down the street as fast as she could, seeking safety from the two curious wizards. Sirius and Remus hid inside a bush for about ten minutes, just in case the girl called the police, and then quickly found a different street to explore.

"Hello there, young lady," Sirius said to the girl who walked in front of them. "Who's hotter? Me or Will Turner?"

The girl spun around and her eyes grew into two gigantic disks. "SIRIUS BLACK? Is it really you? Oh, Sirius, I love you more than I can express!" She was wearing a shirt that said _I Love Sirius Black_ along with earrings in the shape of black dogs, and she attacked Sirius in a painfully tight hug. "You're mine, Sirius. All mine at last!"

"Help," gasped Sirius. He pushed the girl away from him. "It's a crazed fangirl. Run, Remus!" He and Remus took off running, but the girl chased after them.

"Wait!" she cried. "Let me give you my name, phone number, and address! My name is Vivian Cauldronsocks and I live at—"

But Sirius and Remus had vanished from sight. The girl named Vivian Cauldronsocks sighed. "Next time, I'll get him. I'll find out where he lives and take a picture of him in the shower!" And with that plan carefully worked out, the crazed Sirius stalked skipped away to buy a fake marriage certificate off the internet.


	8. Severus Crunchies

Sirius was lounging on the couch watching television and eating animal crackers. The television screen faded to black and a commercial came on, featuring a little boy eating a bowl of cereal with a huge fake grin on his face.

"Start out your morning with a dark, sidling bowl of Severus Crunchies!" said a voice on the commercial.

The little boy happily held up a spoonful of the cereal, which consisted of crunchy cereal bits shaped like Severus Snape.

"Severus Crunchies! They're Snape-a-licious!"

"Severus Crunchies?" Sirius echoed in disbelief. "Well that's ridiculous. Who would make a cereal out of that creep? Why not Sirius Flakes instead?"

"Hey, Sirius!" said Harry, who was visiting the house. "Breakfast is ready!"

"At long last!" Sirius turned off the television and eagerly sat down at the kitchen table. A bowl full of cereal sat in front of him and he was about to put a big spoonful in his mouth when he stopped and stared at his cereal in horror. "Harry, what kind of cereal is this?"

"Some new kind of cereal," said Harry. "Let me show you the box." He handed over the cereal box, which was none other than a menacing box of Severus Crunchies!

"Oh no," said Sirius. "It's evil! You didn't eat any of it, did you, Harry?"

Harry rather timidly nodded his head.

"Then I must rid you of the poison, Harry." Sirius grabbed his godson and dragged him to the bathroom. "Now I want you to cough up every bit of that cereal. Do you understand?"

Harry stared at his godfather. Sirius had clearly gone mad. Not having any other option, Harry climbed out of the bathroom window and hurried away. Sirius burned the box of Severus Crunchies and filed a lawsuit against the company, but sadly he lost.


	9. Lightsaber

"Look, Remus. Look at my fantastic new weapon." Sirius held a gray and black object with a long, bright blue piece of plastic coming out of it. He waved this object through the air.

Remus frowned. "What is that thing?"

"It's my lightsaber, of course." Sirius made buzzing noises with his mouth as he slashed his toy lightsaber through the air. "You must address me as Obi-Wan Kenobi from now on." Thanks to Larry, he had been exposed to _Star Wars_ and thus further corrupted by Muggle entertainment.

"I'm not even going to ask," said Remus, shaking his head.

Sirius jabbed Remus in the chest with his lightsaber and the plastic blue part retracted. "Ha! I have defeated you." He pulled the light back out and waved it around some more. "May the Force be with you, Remus."

"I think I'm going to leave now," said Remus. "You're frightening me. As usual."

"Well, I must destroy those who have gone to the Dark Side," Sirius declared. He dashed out of the house and marched down the street with his lightsaber held out. "I must save the Republic and destroy the Sith. Obi-Wan Kenobi to the rescue!"

"You're a freak," said a little boy standing on the sidewalk.

Sirius stopped in front of the boy. "Run away, youngling, and save yourself. I must find my fellow Jedi and defeat the Dark Side!"

The kid just stared at him like he was crazy.

"Don't you believe me?" said Sirius, waving his lightsaber dramatically. "You are in danger, youngling. The Dark Side is no laughing matter!"

"Star Wars isn't real, you know," the boy informed him. "And you're not Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're just a pathetic man with a toy." He walked away.

Sirius shook his fist at the kid's retreating back. "You'll be on your knees thanking me when I've defeated the Sith!"


	10. Sirius Uses the Phone

Sirius was walking outside. He knew he wasn't supposed to be outside but he always went outside anyway. As he was walking down the street, he came across a Muggle phone booth. He had always wanted to use a phone booth. He went inside, picked up the phone, and started pushing random buttons.

After a few seconds, noise started coming out of the phone. Sirius put the phone up to his ear and heard some old lady who spoke Turkish babbling to him on the other end. Terrified, he immediately put up the phone.

He was about to leave the booth, but the phone looked so lonely sitting there all by itself. Taking pity on it, Sirius picked it back up and started pushing some random buttons again. Pushing buttons was fun.

There was a dialing noise on the other end, and a male voice said, "Hello?"

The voice sounded strangely familiar. Sirius put his mouth up to the phone. "Can I reserve a copy of the Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest DVD?"

"Black, is that you? Why are you calling me?"

Filled with horror, Sirius suddenly realized who was on the other end. "Snivellus?"

"Stop prank calling me, Black, or I'll call the Ministry on you!" Snape yelled angrily.

"Snivellus, I didn't know this was your number. I didn't even know you had a phone! What are you doing with Muggle items?"

"Well, my fireplace is being remodeled so I can't use it to contact, er… certain people. Now get off the phone right now! I've got another call coming in."

"Fine. Bye." Sirius did not take the phone away from his ear, however. Who on earth would want to call Snape? After a few moments, he heard Snape's voice on the other end.

"Hello, Lucius! Yes, yes, I picked up your spare robes and did your laundry. No, I wasn't calling other men! You knew perfectly well that you and I are destined-"

Sirius quickly put the phone up and screamed loudly. He was going to be having nightmares for a very long time.


	11. A Sirius Doll

Sirius was watching television again, when a commercial came on. "Now you can own your very own Sirius Black doll!" said the voice on the commercial.

A kid was shown holding a doll that looked just like Sirius. "Wow!" he exclaimed.

"That's right! The Sirius Black doll! Comes with a wand and hippogriff and authentic manly stubble. Says over twenty different phrases!"

The kid pushed a button on the doll's back and it said, "My name is Sirius!" He pushed the button again and the doll said, "Apple pie!" He pushed the button a third time and the doll said, "Who's hotter? Me or Will Turner?"

"Buy your very own Sirius Black doll today! Available wherever toys are sold! Batteries not included."

Sirius stared at the television with his mouth hanging open in shock. "What has become of this world? Remus, have you heard about that strange doll they made of me?"

"Doll?" said Remus rather suspiciously. "What doll?" He appeared to be hiding something behind his back.

"Remus, what are you hiding behind your back?"

Remus showed the object to Sirius, which happened to be a Sirius Black doll! "I couldn't resist buying one. It's so delightfully life-like." He pushed the button on the doll's back and it said, "Give me your pumpkin fritters or things are going to get ugly!"

Sirius left the room feeling greatly disturbed. Remus put his Sirius Black doll in a glass display case where it would be safe from all harm.


	12. Return of Vivian, Stalker Extraordinaire

Sirius walked into his bedroom to look at some old photographs, but suddenly stopped in his tracks and stared at the horror within. "Somebody please tell me this is a nightmare."

Sitting on his bed was the crazy stalker girl named Vivian Cauldronsocks. "Sirius!" she cried. "I've found your living quarters! I am now going to stalk you until the end of time."

"No!" said Sirius. "This is absurd!"

"It is not. Now give me a hug, darling!" Vivian was about to lunge at him and attack him in a painful hug, when Kingsley Shacklebolt conveniently entered the room. "Sirius, I—" He stopped and stared at Vivian. "Oh dear, a fangirl. Quick, Sirius, find some pepper spray."

"Remus took all of my pepper spray," Sirius said sadly. "He said he needed it so he could get rid of people in line at the supermarket, but I think he actually collects it."

"That's too bad." Kingsley pointed at Vivian's shirt. "What do those letters stand for?"

Her shirt was embroidered with the letters RSBD. "It's stands Rabid Sirius Black Devotee," Vivian explained, gazing longingly at Sirius.

"Oh," said Kingsley. "For a moment I thought it stood for Remus/Sirius Bellatrix/Draco."

"Eew, I would never support either of those pairings," Vivian said with a haughty toss of her head.

"Kingsley, what are you doing in my house anyway?" Sirius asked.

"I want to borrow a cup of sugar. It's my great-grandmother's birthday next week and I need to make a cake."

"I haven't got any sugar. Kreacher stole all of it because he seemed to think that pure cane sugar was related to pure blood. Can I give you an I.O.U. for it instead?"

"No, forget it. I'll just go to the store." And Kingsley left.

"Time for hugs!" said Vivian. Suddenly a giant bird flew in through the window, grabbed Vivian in its massive beak, and carried her away.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and went downstairs to make a cup of tea.


	13. Flashback: Sirius' Childhood

Sirius and Regulus were sitting on the floor. Sirius tagged Regulus. "You're it!"

Regulus tagged Sirius. "You're it!"

Sirius poked Regulus. "You're it!"

Regulus poked Sirius. "You're it!"

Sirius shoved Regulus. "You're it!"

Regulus shoved Sirius. "You're it!"

Sirius grabbed Kreacher and threw him at Regulus. "You're it!" Kreacher growled and gnawed on Regulus' ear. He then ran away muttering to himself.

Regulus started to cry. "I'm telling mommy!" He ran off to his mother and snitched on Sirius.

"Kill all the Muggles!" screeched Mrs. Black. She chased Sirius and Regulus away with a broom. She then grabbed Kreacher, dressed him up in her husband's clothes, and danced a waltz with him. It was a night that Kreacher would never forget.


	14. The FUN Song

Sirius had been watching SpongeBob Squarepants on television and walked into the hallway, where he found Remus throwing sharp pointy objects at a painting of the moon, the bane of his wolfish existence. “Hello, Remus.”

“What do you want, Sirius?” asked Remus.

“Would you like to hear the FUN song?”

“The what?”

“The FUN song,” Sirius repeated. “I learned it from SpongeBob, who has become my new role model, though he will never replace Captain Jack Sparrow. Would you like to hear it?”

Remus carefully aimed an extra sharp butcher knife at the painting of the moon. “No, not really.”

“Well I’m going to sing it anyway.” Sirius took a deep breath and sang, “F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere at any time at all down here in the deep blue sea!”

“That was rather annoying,” said Remus.

“Oh, no it wasn’t. Sing it with me?”

Remus flung a bunch of sewing needles at the unfortunate painting. “No.”

“What if I give you chocolate?”

“Where?” Ignoring Sirius, Remus immediately dashed off and began searching the house for chocolate. He ended up finding some under Sirius’ pillow, much to the pillow’s annoyance.


	15. Harry is Freaked Out Several Times

Harry came to visit one day. "Sirius!" he cried, giving his godfather a fond hug.

"No need to get so sappy, Harry. Sheesh!" said Sirius. "What are you doing here anyway? Don't you have a life of your own?"

"No, not really," Harry replied.

Sirius suddenly looked at Harry and cleared his throat importantly. "Harry, I have a drastically important question for you. Listen carefully, and give your very best answer. Harry… who do you think is hotter? Me or Will Turner?"

Harry stared at him. "WHAT?"

Sirius burst into tears. "I knew it! You think Will Turner is hotter, don't you? You traitor! Get out of my house!"

Harry ran out of Sirius' room and ran into Remus, who was eating a chocolate frog he had stolen from Harry. "Hi, Lupin!" Harry looked at the chocolate frog suspiciously. "Hey… is that mine?"

Remus hid the chocolate frog behind his back. "Er, I don't know what you're talking about! Go play outside, Harry!"

Harry hurriedly fled from the room. "I'm surrounded by crazy people!" He walked outside and loitered around. He was soon approached by a blonde woman with a cane.

"Why hello there, little boy!" she said. "Give me back my house-elf!"

Harry was confused. "Um… ma'am, have we met before?"

" _MA'AM_?"

As the woman leaned in closer, Harry realized to his horror that it was Lucius Malfoy."AAAGGHH!" He ran away and hid in a clump of bushes to cry his eyes out.

Draco popped up from behind a garbage can. "Daddy, did you get our elf back?"

"Draco, do you think your daddy looks like a woman?"

Draco did not dare answer. He did turn around and giggle silently to himself though.


	16. Sirius Spreads the FUN Song

Sirius was terribly bored. Harry had not come to visit for a while and Remus was spending time at Chocolate World, the amazing chocolate theme park. “I am so terribly bored,” Sirius said with a forlorn sigh.

He decided to go outside in hopes of finding someone interesting. “Larry?” he called out. “Larry, are you around? Suddenly, a piece of paper flew through the air and landed at Sirius’ feet. The message on it said:

_Dear Sirius, I’m spending some time at Chocolate World, so don’t bother trying to find me. From, Larry._

Sirius sighed again. “All of my friends seem to like chocolate better than me. What does chocolate have that I don’t?”

He continued to walk down the street and bumped right into a man in a black cloak. “Oops. I’m sorry, sir,” Sirius apologized.

“You are forgiven, Sirius,” the man whispered.

“How do you know my name?”

The man threw back his cloak. “Don’t you know me? I am… Lord Voldemort!” And indeed he _was_ Lord Voldemort, complete with solid black attire and girlishly high voice.

Sirius suddenly got a brilliant idea. “Voldemort, would you like to learn the FUN song?”

“No,” said Voldemort. “I’m a mean, bitter villain. I don’t believe in fun.”

“Well I’m going to sing it anyway.” Sirius took a deep breath and sang, “F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere at any time at all down here in the deep blue sea! Now sing it with me, Voldemort!”

Voldemort crossed his arms stubbornly. “No.”

“Please?”

“Leave me alone. I’m in a hurry and if you don’t stop delaying me, I’ll be late for Chocolate World. Now goodbye!” Voldemort put his cloak back on and strode away. However, it sounded suspiciously as if he were humming the FUN song to himself. The world will never know for sure.


	17. Who's Sirius?

Sirius, Harry, and Dumbledore all stood in Sirius' living room. Dumbledore looked Harry in the eyes and took a deep breath. "Harry, I have something drastic and important I must tell you."

Harry stared at him. "Are you serious?"

Dumbledore pointed at Sirius. "No, _he's_ Sirius!"

"I'm not serious, I'm Sirius!" Sirius protested. "Dumbledore is the one who's serious. At least I think he is."

Dumbledore whipped his wand out of his pocket and pointed it at Sirius. "How dare you lie right to my face. I'm not Sirius, I'm serious!"

Harry, who had become rather distressed, pointed anxiously at his godfather. "No, he's serious!"

Sirius was not pleased with this statement. "No, I'm _Sirius_!"

"Well I'm more serious!" said Dumbledore.

"No, I'm more Sirius!" Sirius argued.

Harry stood between the two of them with his hands raised in the air. "Quit arguing already! Let's just say that you're both serious!"

"But _I'm_ Sirius!" Sirius protested angrily.

"And I'm _serious_!" said Dumbledore. "And I'm more serious than you are!"

Sirius looked shocked and outraged. "You can't be more Sirius, because _I'm_ Sirius!"

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed. "This is getting nowhere." He pointed at Sirius. "You are Sirius Black, which is your name." He pointed at Dumbledore. "And you are in the state of being serious. Did I make myself clear?"

Dumbledore stared at Harry as if he had gone crazy. "Harry, I most certainly am not serious. I was only joking with you."

Harry looked blankly back at him. "Then what were we all arguing for?"

"We were arguing about werewolf rights, Harry!" said Sirius, shaking his head over his incredibly slow godson. "Where have you been, Harry? It's obvious that we were discussing werewolf rights the whole time!"

Harry wished he had never opened his mouth.


	18. One Ring to Rule Them All

"Do as I say, inferior being!" Sirius ordered, cackling evilly. He paused and stared at Remus, who was unresponsive. "I said, do as I say!" He stared at Remus again. "Why aren't you submitting to my will? I demand that you submit!"

Remus was as unresponsive as ever. "Sirius, what are you doing?"

"I've got a ring of power, therefore I have command over you." Sirius pointed at the plastic black ring he wore on his finger. It was actually some ring his brother Regulus had found in a cereal box years ago. Sirius discovered it under a couch that morning.

Remus was unimpressed. "How can a ring give you control over people?"

"My DVD says so, of course," Sirius replied. Larry had sent him a new DVD, which happened to be the first _Lord of the Rings_ film, and it had brainwashed Sirius just as much as all the other movies he had watched.

Determined to gain control over Remus, Sirius stood on top of a stool and waved his hand in the air. "I have the One Ring to rule them all. Now get me a butterbeer!"

Remus didn't move.

Sirius waved his hand harder. "I said, get me a butterbeer!"

Remus nibbled on some chocolate instead.

"Useless, cheap ring," Sirius muttered. He took the ring off his finger and flung it away. "I don't understand. It worked for Sauron."

"Sirius, it was just a movie!"

"You're right," said Sirius, looking at Remus in wonder. "It _is_. And I suppose the book it was based on is just a book. Such a pity." He soon forgot all about his plastic ring and went off to organize his sock drawer, while Remus went grocery shopping.

About an hour later, Kreacher was creeping around the house and came across the discarded plastic ring. He took it deep into the Misty Closet. And there it consumed him.

"My _precioussss..._ "


	19. Flashback: Sirius' School Days

Sirius was in class, sitting right behind Snape. He poked Snape in the back of the head. Snape angrily turned around. "Who did that?"

"He did it!" Sirius pointed at Peter, who was putting a random object in his ear.

Snape turned around. Sirius poked him in the head again. "Who did that?" Snape demanded.

Sirius pointed at Peter again. "It was him!"

Snape turned back around and got grease all over his schoolwork. The teacher subtracted five points from Slytherin.

Sirius poked Snape in the back of the head yet again. Snape spun around. "All right, Black! I know it's you!"

Sirius grinned. "How did you know, Snivellus?"

"It can't possibly be Peter, because he isn't wearing gloves and the person who poked me was definitely wearing gloves!"

"Of course I was wearing gloves," said Sirius, holding up his hands. "Do you expect me to touch your greasy head with my bare hands?"


	20. Oops, Wrong Fireplace

Sirius wanted to go to Diagon Alley to buy a new pair of shoes. The shoes he currently had on were so last year's fashion. He tossed some Floo Powder into the fireplace, somehow escaping the notice of the Ministry, and jumped into the fire shouting, "Diagon Alley!"

After a lot of spinning around, he landed on a hard floor, though something wasn't quite right. It didn't feel like Diagon Alley.

Sirius lifted up his head to look around, and what he saw filled him with pure, life-scarring horror.

Standing in front of a giant, full-length mirror was Severus Snape, wearing a sky blue dress and matching high-heeled shoes. "McGonagall was right. Blue really _is_ my color!"

Sirius was so disturbed by what he saw that he was unable to restrain a strangled gasp.

Hearing the noise, Snape immediately turned around. Seeing Sirius, his face contorted in the most furious glare the world had ever seen. "Black! What are you doing here? This isn't what it looks like, I swear!"

"Sorry," Sirius managed to say through his terror. "I'll be going now!" He quickly went back to his own fireplace before Snape could start throwing lethal objects at him.

Suddenly Sirius opened his eyes and realized it had all been a horrible dream. "Thank goodness," he muttered as he tried to go back to sleep.

Still, he vowed that he would never use Floo Powder ever again.


	21. Sirius Goes to the Supermarket

To his utmost horror, Sirius discovered that there was absolutely no food in the house. He had finished his entire food supply and Remus had taken all of his chocolate. He knew it was risky to keep going out in public, but Sirius was going to have to brave the outside world and go to the supermarket.

He got onto the rusty little scooter he had found in the neighbor's garbage can and rode to the supermarket. Without bothering to get a shopping cart, he went inside.

As he wandered through the aisles he grabbed a giant box of cereal, a bottle of chocolate syrup (which he would have to hide from Remus), and a carton of milk. He wanted to get a package of boxer shorts with puppies on them, but he couldn't carry any more items.

He got in line at the check-out counter and set down his groceries. "Hello, can I help you today?" said the cashier.

Sirius looked at the cashier and gasped, for it was Lucius Malfoy. "Malfoy? What are you doing here?"

"Is there any reason why I shouldn't be here?" Lucius drawled. "I belong here."

"Why?"

"I decided to bond with the fascinating Muggle world by working at a supermarket, you fool."

"But I thought you hated Muggles."

"I did. Yes, dear Sirius, I did indeed. Until three days ago when I walked into a clothing store and a Muggle gave me a fifty-percent off discount on a pair of black fuzzy slippers." Lucius briefly came out from behind the counter to show off his slippers, which were indeed black and fuzzy.

Sirius could hardly believe what he was hearing. And why was Lucius wearing slippers at a supermarket? Things were very strange, and Sirius didn't like it one bit.

Lucius rang up the total cost of the groceries. "That will be—" But he realized that Sirius had taken his groceries and run off without paying. "Shoplifter," Lucius drawled, since he was physically incapable of raising his voice. "We have a shoplifter."

But everyone ignored him.


	22. Why, Oh Why!

Sirius hung his head and pouted. "I can't believe this. Why did I have to die?"

Harry patted him sympathetically on the back. "It's okay, Sirius."

"No, it's not okay! I'm too ultimately cool to die!" Sirius moaned. "It wouldn't matter if you died, because you're whiny and depressing. But I'm… I'm Sirius for crying out loud! Killing me is a crime!"

"I'm sure there was a reason," Harry said, trying to comfort his godfather but failing miserably.

Sirius continued to rant to himself, with good reason. "Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't it have been Bellatrix? Or Lucius? Or better yet, Snivellus!"

"You called?" said Snape, sidling out of the shadows like a greasy sidler.

"No," said Sirius. "What are you doing here and how did you get here? This is my bedroom! You don't have access to my bedroom!" He shuddered at the thought of Snape actually wanting to visit his bedroom.

"I appeared in here by magic," said Snape. "Because I am a wizard."

Sirius looked at him oddly. "Were you given an overdose of Stupid Pills this morning? And why did you answer to the name Snivellus? You never answer to that name!"

Snape looked at Sirius, and something very shocking and unexpected happened. His lower lip started to tremble. "Oh Sirius! I just want to be a Marauder, like you!"

"I am shocked and appalled," said Harry, who was only trying to have some dialogue.

"So am I," said Sirius. "Snivellus, get out of my room! You're getting grease all over my beautiful carpet! I don't think my poor carpet wants to take a grease bath!" He looked down at the floor. "You don't want to take a grease bath, do you, carpet?" There was a pause. "He said No! Now get out, Snivellus!"

Snape ran a finger through his greasy hair, making his hand greasy, and sidled back into the shadows like a greasy sidler.

"That was strange," said Sirius. "Why does Snivellus have to exist? Oh, why?"

"Snape exists because without him, the Greasy Style wouldn't exist!" Harry explained. "Snape is a trend setter! Without him, all the hair in the world would be ungreasy!"

"Which would be a good thing," Sirius commented. He inspected his own hair. "Oh no! What if my hair turns greasy? Snape could be infecting me! TO THE SHOWER!" He grabbed a bath towel and some shampoo and ran into the bathroom.

Harry lay down on top of the bed and was nearly eaten by monsters living under it. But that's another story. And it will never be told, for the memory of it is too traumatizing to Harry.


	23. Sirius Tries to Find a Girlfriend

"I think I need a girlfriend," Sirius randomly decided. He went outside and walked down the street looking for a girl to go out with him. A young woman walked by and Sirius said, "Hello there. Would you like to be my girlfriend?"

"I don't even know you, you creep!" the woman yelled. She hit Sirius with her purse and ran away.

Completely undeterred, Sirius decided to try again with another girl. "Hello. Will you be my girlfriend?"

"No," she replied.

"You think Will Turner is hotter, don't you?" he said with a frown. "You're lucky I'm not the jealous type!"

The girl looked freaked out and walked away, and soon Sirius approached yet another young woman. "Would you like to go out with me? My name is Sirius Black. I like to watch DVDs, go for walks outside, and drink tea."

The woman slapped him. "Excuse me! I'm _married_!" She walked away in a huff.

"This isn't working out the way I hoped," said Sirius. He continued to walk down the street, however, in hopes of finding someone who would accept his offer. He spotted a woman with short blonde hair and lilac robes and approached her. "Hello, miss. Care to go out with me?"

The woman wearing lilac spun around and Sirius felt horribly embarrassed, for it was none other than Gilderoy Lockhart. "Who are you?" Lockhart asked. "Who am I? Where are we anyway, mister?"

"Never mind," Sirius said hastily. He got away from Lockhart and hurried down the street until he reached his house. "That was a terrifying experience. Maybe I'm just not cut out to have a girlfriend."

"SIRIUS!"

Sirius shuddered with utmost horror. Vivian Cauldronsocks was running towards him at full speed, calling his name over and over. "I will be your girlfriend, my most darling Sirius!"

"Oh dear," said Sirius. He ran inside the house, slammed the door right in Vivian's face, and locked it securely. "That's the last time I try to pick up random strangers."


	24. Chocoholics Anonymous

"Remus," said Sirius, "I think you might have a severe and unnatural addiction to chocolate."

"Don't be silly, Sirius. Of course I don't," said Remus, who had half a chocolate bar in his hand and several chocolate frogs in his pockets.

"Now don't lie to me, Remus. I know you have an addiction."

Remus didn't answer, since he was busy nibbling on his chocolate.

"I hate to tell you this, but you have a problem," Sirius said sadly. "And the first step to chocoholic recovery is admitting that you have a problem."

"But chocolate is good, Sirius!" Remus declared, unwrapping one of his many chocolate frogs. "Chocolate will solve the world's problems!"

"Just face the truth, Remus. You have an unhealthy obsession, which is why I've arranged for you to attend a Chocoholics Anonymous meeting."

Remus turned pale. "You did _what_?"

But before Remus could complain further, he and Sirius disappeared with a popping noise and reappeared in a small room filled with chairs. A sign near the door said "Chocoholics Anonymous." Remus tried to escape when he thought Sirius wasn't looking, but Sirius grabbed him and shoved him into a seat.

"Hello, everyone!" said the meeting's leader, who was named Joe. "The first thing you must all do is admit that you have a problem. Accept that you have an addiction."

"I most certainly do not have an addiction," Remus said irritably. He popped a chocolate frog into his mouth.

Joe remained calm. "It's all right, Mr. Lupin. We're going to help you. You're going to overcome your little problem."

"But I don't have a problem!" Remus insisted. He took out his wand and pointed it at Joe. "And if you say that one more time, then things are going to get ugly!"

Joe continued to remain calm. "Please leave this meeting, Mr. Lupin. You're upsetting the other members." He gestured at the other chocoholics in the room, who were huddled under their chairs in fear.

"I'll be glad to leave!" Remus barged out of the room and slammed the door with such force that it came off its hinges. "Sirius, I hate you," he muttered as he took a piece of chocolate out of his pocket.


	25. No More Cereal

Sirius was sitting at the kitchen table one morning with a bowl and a box of his favorite cereal in front of him. He opened up the lid of the box and held it upside down over his bowl. Nothing happened. Frustrated, he shook the box. Several crumbs and a bunch of powdery particles fell into the bowl.

It was the worst morning of Sirius' life. He had run out of cereal.

"NO!" he cried in anguish. "My precious cereal!" He put his head in his hands and started to cry.

"What's the matter, Sirius?" asked Arthur Weasley, who was paying a visit involving business in the Order (and also so he could steal some of Sirius' socks that he had been eyeing up for the past several weeks).

Sirius sobbed loudly. "There isn't any cereal!"

"I'm sorry," said Arthur sadly. "I would get you some but I'm a Weasley and can't afford it."

Kingsley Shacklebolt then walked conveniently into the room. "Hey, Sirius! I've got a box of Cocoa Puffs! Do you want them?"

Sirius' eyes grew huge. "YES. HAND IT OVER!"

"Sheesh, Sirius," said Kingsley, shaking his head. "No need to get excited. It's only chocolate cereal."

"Did somebody just mention chocolate?" Remus ran into the room frantically. "Where? Where's the chocolate? Ah, there it is!" He snatched the box of Cocoa Puffs out of Kingsley's hand and jumped out the window with them.

Sirius burst into tears again. "I don't think cereal and I are destined to be together."


	26. Sirius Tries to Find Harry a Girlfriend

Sirius decided to spend some time bonding with his godson, so he and Harry took a stroll in the park. Unfortunately, they were unable to meet with Larry, since he was in the hospital recuperating from a pigeon attack.

As the two of them were walking beneath the trees, an idea hatched in Sirius' mind. He approached a pair of young girls and got their attention. "Hello, young ladies! Would either of you like to go out with my godson, Harry?"

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Harry hissed under his breath.

"Finding you a girlfriend!" Sirius hissed back.

Both of the girls giggled obnoxiously. "Sorry, we don't go out with random strangers!" And they walked away.

"Well that was humiliating," said Harry.

"Nonsense," said Sirius. "Let's try again!" He went up to another young woman. "Hello there. I've got a godson named Harry who is single and very attractive. Care to be his girlfriend?"

"Get away from me, you creep. I already told you I'm married!" She slapped Sirius and ran off.

"Who was that?" Harry asked.

"Um, just some lady I tried to pick up a couple of days ago. Apparently I was too drop-dead sexy for her to handle. Now let's find you someone more suitable, like that girl over there." Sirius tapped somebody on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but will you please go out with my godson Harry?"

The person turned around and expressed a look of pure shock. Harry looked just as shocked and emitted a horrified gasp. _"Dean_?"

" _Harry_?" cried Dean Thomas, who was absolutely appalled. "What's going on? Who is this man?" He pointed at Sirius.

"That's just my godfather," Harry muttered in embarrassment.

"I'm trying to find him a girlfriend!" Sirius explained unabashedly.

"Well I'm not a girl, you idiot!" Dean shot Sirius a look of utmost loathing and hurried away.

Harry glared at Sirius. "I'm never going out in public with you again."


	27. Back to the Future Takes Over

"Remus! Remus, I need your help!" Sirius announced.

Remus was in the hallway taking some chocolate out of a secret compartment hidden in the wall. He hastily shut the compartment and tried to look as if he wasn't doing anything suspicious. "What is it?"

Sirius ran up to his friend. "Remus, do you know where I can find a DeLorean?"

Remus just stared at him. "A what?"

"A DeLorean! It's a type of Muggle automobile-whatsit. I need to get one so I can go back in time." Larry recently sent Sirius the _Back to the Future_ trilogy on DVD, which of course led to Sirius getting completely brainwashed. Again.

"Sirius, are you forgetting that you're a wizard?" Remus coolly pulled his wand out of his robes and said, " _Accio DeLorean_!" A few minutes later a silver DeLorean came crashing into the house, creating a huge hole in the wall.

"Great Scott!" Sirius cried. He ran over to the car and looked inside. "What? No flux compacitor?"

"I'm not even going to ask," said Remus.

"Maybe the flux compacitor is hidden deep within the car somewhere," said Sirius. He got into the car and started pushing random buttons, which actually turned out to be the radio and the air conditioning. What Sirius didn't know wouldn't hurt him. "All right. I'm going back in time to prevent Snivellus from ever existing! When this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're going to see some serious—"

"Shitake mushrooms!" Remus said.

Sirius drove the car through the hole in the wall and sped down the street, while Remus walked outside to watch. The DeLorean increased in speed until it reached eighty-eight miles per hour... and nothing happened.

Frustrated, Sirius got out of the car. "I can't believe this! If you put your mind to it, you could accomplish anything. Why isn't this accomplishing my goals?"

"Maybe because time travel doesn't work in some stupid car," Remus suggested.

Sirius glared at him. "How dare you say that, you blasphemer." He was joined by various other _Back to the Future_ fans and they all glared at Remus.

Remus ignored them and went back into the house.

"I'll see you in the future, Remus!" Sirius called after him.


	28. Back to the Future Takes Over Again

Harry was on Platform 9 3/4, ready to board the Hogwarts Express, when he heard a familiar voice calling his name. "Harry! Harry!"

Harry sighed. What did his godfather want now?

Sirius came running up and gazed at the Hogwarts Express with an eager expression on his face. "Great Scott! Harry, do you know what this is?"

"A train."

"Not just any train. It's a time machine! After the DeLorean got destroyed, Doc made time travel possible with this steam engine. Harry, you can go back in time and save your parents!"

"You've been watching too many movies, Sirius," said Harry, rolling his eyes. He got onto the Hogwarts Express hoping to escape Sirius, but to his annoyance Sirius followed him. "Sirius, what are you doing here?"

"I've got to talk to the Doc," Sirius explained. "I need to tell him to take us into the past." He headed to the conductor's compartment, while Harry sighed and walked off in the opposite direction.

"Doc!" Sirius called out. "Doc, are you here? Where are you?"

"What are you doing here, sir?" the conductor demanded.

Sirius stared at him. "Great Scott! You're not the Doc! What have you done with him?"

The conductor didn't answer. Instead he grabbed hold of Sirius and flung him off the train, then started up the train so he could escape the crazy convict.

Sirius sighed. "I guess I'll have to rebuild the DeLorean. I wonder if Marty has the parts to it." And he ran off.


	29. Eric the Fly

Sirius was sitting in his favorite chair sipping a cup of tea, when something came out of nowhere and landed on his pants leg. It was a fly.

"Why, hello," Sirius said to the fly. The fly twitched slightly and didn't respond. "I will name you Eric and you shall be my friend." The fly, newly christened Eric, flexed his wings.

Sirius looked down at his new friend with fondness in his eyes. "Let's watch TV together, Eric." He flicked on the television so that he and Eric could watch it, though Eric wasn't paying attention. Instead he was facing away from the TV, busily rubbing his front arms together in that strange gesture that flies made.

Remus walked into the room. "Sirius, I ran out of chocolate. Can I—"

"Shh!" Sirius shushed him. "You'll scare Eric away."

"Who's Eric?"

"My new friend." Sirius pointed at his leg where Eric sat.

Remus stared at him as if he had gone insane, which he probably had. "You made friends with your pants? Just when I think you can't get any crazier, you go and prove me wrong."

"No, Remus. Not my pants! Eric is sitting _on_ my pants." Sirius pointed to Eric again.

Remus walked over and got a closer look. "You've got to be kidding me. You made friends with a fly?"

"Yes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fetch some pumpkin fritters. I have a feeling that Eric might like them." As Sirius stood up, Eric suddenly took off into the air and flew out an open window. "What just happened?" Sirius said in distress. "Eric? Eric, come back!" He stuck his head out the window and searched for his missing fly, but Eric was gone.

Sadly Eric was never seen again, but Sirius soon forgot about him and replaced him with a grasshopper named Frank.


	30. Sirius Goes on Vacation

Sirius had a suitcase open in front of him and was packing all the essential things he needed to survive for a week. "Chocolate syrup, _Pirates of the Caribbean_ DVD, shampoo, conditioner, more shampoo, stuffed giraffe named Herbert, chocolate frogs I stole from Remus..."

"What? Who said my name?" Remus asked as he entered the room.

"Nobody," said Sirius hastily. He closed up the suitcase and put on his jacket.

Remus eyed him suspiciously. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going on vacation for a week! I need to relieve the stress of my daily life."

"But you're on the run from the law. You can't go vacationing!" Remus argued. "Where exactly are you planning to go anyway?"

"I'm going to that shed in the backyard that everyone always forgets about."

Remus should have known. Only Sirius would go someplace strange like that and call it a vacation. "Well, all right. Have fun then. And leave me out of it."

"Oh, Remus. You're just jealous because I get to go on vacation and you're stuck with your boring, everyday routine. My heart weeps for you."

"Whatever you say, Sirius." Remus waited for Sirius to leave the room with his heavy suitcase. The moment Sirius left, Remus shiftily approached the bed and reached under the pillow. "Aha!" He grabbed something and slipped it into his pocket. Sirius really needed to find a better place to hide his chocolate.

As Remus was raiding his bedroom, Sirius walked out into the backyard where the shed was located. With a happy sigh of relief, Sirius entered the shed and sat down in a rickety chair that had been bewitched to massage whoever sat in it. "Ahh, this is the life. I feel better already."

Once he felt properly massaged, he opened up a window to let the sun shine in. "I'm going to have more fun than I've had in years. Just me, this wonderful shed, and some good old relaxation."

Seven and a half minutes later, Sirius ran screaming out of the shed. "Spider! There's a spider in there!"

Forgetting about his suitcase, he dashed back into the house where it was safe. Next time he went on vacation, he was bringing a pest control squad with him.


	31. Bouncing Ferret

Sirius walked outside so he could enjoy the fresh air, the beautiful sunshine, and the frolicking squirrels. But the squirrels ran away the moment he appeared, which made Sirius sad.

"Who wants to donate underpants?" said a voice.

Draco Malfoy stood at the street corner holding a sign that said "Underpants For Draco Charity." A box stood next to him containing two pairs of underwear: a pink and frilly pair and a pair decorated in yellow ducks.

"Hey, you!" said Draco, catching sight of Sirius. "Would you like to donate some underpants?"

"Why would I want to do that?" Sirius asked.

A single tear trickled down Draco's cheek. "A bunch of Gryffindors stole all of my underpants as a joke and my father won't buy me any more." He clasped his hands in a begging position. "Please help me, sir. Please!"

But Sirius wasn't in a charitable mood that day. Instead he turned Draco into a ferret, simply because Draco made such a lovely little ferret.

"Step right up, ladies and gentlemen!" Sirius said an announcer's voice. "Come and see the world's most hilarious attraction! Draco Malfoy the bouncing ferret!"

A group of people crowded around and gawked at Draco as Sirius bounced him up and down like a basketball. "Daddy, I want a ferret!" said a little girl.

Sirius picked up Draco and put him in the little girl's arms. "There you are. Your very own pet ferret! His name is Draco."

"I'll love you forever, Draco!" The girl squeezed the ferret and skipped away.

Sirius grinned. "And so begins the adventures of Draco the amazing bouncing ferret, as he tries to escape the clutches of a possessive little girl." He pulled a pair of zebra print underpants out of his pocket, dropped them in Draco's donation box, and went home.


	32. Sirius and Larry Go to the Playground

Sirius wandered into the park, where he had promised to meet Larry. Larry soon arrived with a bag of bird seed in his hand and a squirrel sitting on one shoulder. "Hi, Larry," Sirius greeted. "What do you want to do today?"

"Let's go to the playground," Larry suggested.

And so Sirius and Larry strolled over to the playground, where many young children ran around shrieking and laughing. "I want to go on the slide!" Sirius decided.

"Great idea!" said Larry.

The two of them approached the slide, but there was a line of children waiting to go down it. "Hey kids, move it," said Sirius. "We spotted it first."

The children stared at him.

"You heard him!" said Larry. "Get away from that slide. It's our turn!" He picked up a small boy and tossed him onto the grass.

The children all took off running, but only because they were completely freaked out by two grown men who wanted to go on a playground slide. Sirius gave Larry a high-five. "It worked!" He climbed up the short ladder, sat at the top of the (equally short) slide, and was about to go down... but didn't.

"What's wrong?" asked Larry.

"I'm scared," Sirius confessed. "I can't go down!"

"Come on, Sirius. It isn't that scary!"

But Sirius wouldn't budge. There was only one thing for Larry to do: he gave Sirius a good hard shove in the back. Screaming with terror, Sirius went falling down the slide until he landed in a pile of sand.

"Wheeee!" Larry came sliding down and landed right on top of Sirius, who was still sprawled on the sand.

"OW! MY BACK!" cried Sirius.

Larry flushed with embarrassment and got off of Sirius. "Sorry about that."

Sirius spot out a mouthful of sand and got to his feet. "Note to self: children's amusement is not for grown men."


	33. The Most Terrifying Thing

Sirius was tied to a chair with some rope in a dark room. "Hello? Can anybody help me? Where am I?"

The door suddenly opened and somebody walked in. The person took out their wand and lit a candle with it, filling the room with a soft yellow glow. Seeing the identity of the mysterious person, Sirius screamed with horror.

It was Severus Snape.

He was wearing a black bath robe and he carried a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Sirius shuddered with fear. "What do you want, Snivellus?"

Snape grinned and threw off his bath robe. Sirius feared that there was nothing underneath it (and seeing that would be worse than death), but that wasn't the case. Snape was scantily clothed in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts decorated in little dancing hippos and he smiled a huge smile at Sirius.

He started to dance around the room for about five minutes (Sirius shut his eyes during that), and then got down on his knees in front of Sirius. He presented the bouquet to him. "Sirius, I have come to confess what I have been keeping a secret my whole life!"

Sirius was absolutely horrified and swatted the flowers away.

Snape grabbed a hold of Sirius' hand. "Sirius, I must pledge my undying love to you!"

"NOOOOOO!"

Sirius woke up and sat straight up in bed, panting with fear. He lit his wand, looked around, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Just a dream."

Sirius didn't go back to sleep that night and vowed to never sleep again. Unfortunately, he was unable to keep that vow and fell asleep that night and dreamed of dancing the polka under the stars with Hagrid and Kreacher and their half-giant/house-elf crossbred offspring.


	34. Newspaper Hats

Sirius took a page of the _Daily Prophet_ in his hands and folded it into a strange shape. He held his creation victoriously in the air. "Behold! I have made a newspaper hat!"

He proudly set the hat upon his head and entered the kitchen, where Harry and Remus were sitting around the table drinking tea. Harry stared at his godfather. "Uh, Sirius? What's that on your head?"

"Oh, this?" said Sirius, gesturing at his hat. "It's a newspaper hat, of course. Isn't it cool?"

"No," Harry replied.

"What do you mean, no? This is the greatest hat ever! Remus, isn't this the greatest hat ever?"

"No," said Remus.

"You people are cruel. I'll _show_ you that newspaper hats are stylish." Sirius left the kitchen and found another copy of the _Daily Prophet_. Ten minutes later, he had made two more newspaper hats and took them into the kitchen so he could set one on Remus' head and the other on Harry's head. "Well? What do you think?"

Remus promptly took off his hat and tossed it into the fireplace, where it burned to a crisp.

"You killed it," Sirius declared. "You hat murderer!"

Remus shrugged and resumed drinking his tea.

"Well surely Harry enjoys his hat," said Sirius. "Do you like your hat, Harry?"

"It's the most fabulous thing I've ever set eyes on!" said a voice that did not belong to Harry. Draco Malfoy had somehow entered the kitchen and was staring at Harry's newspaper hat with pure adoration in his eyes. "I must have that hat."

"Take it," said Harry.

Draco snatched up the hat, jammed it onto his head, and walked off feeling quite fashionable indeed. His father Lucius became horribly jealous.


	35. The Wonders of Toothpaste

Sirius was in the bathroom brushing his teeth one morning. As he squirted the toothpaste onto his toothbrush, he suddenly wondered what else you could do with toothpaste. Surely it wasn't mean just for brushing teeth?

He set his toothbrush down on the sink, where it lay forgotten, and studied his toothpaste tube. A brilliant idea came to him. He screwed off the lid and started to squirt.

A couple of minutes later, the bathroom mirror had the words _Sirius Waz Here_ written on it in toothpaste. Sirius giggled to himself. He was a genius.

"What else can I do with toothpaste?" he wondered.

He put the tube up to his mouth and squirted the toothpaste inside. "I never knew toothpaste made such great food!" He then proceed to eat half the tube. "I've got to tell people about this!"

He ran into the kitchen where Arthur and Molly were sitting at the table. "Arthur! Molly! I made some amazing discoveries concerning toothpaste. It makes a great writing utensil and it's delicious!"

Molly raised an eyebrow. "You know that eating toothpaste will make you sick, right?"

"Uh-oh." Sirius ran off to the bathroom to be sick.

Later that morning, Kingsley Shacklebolt went into the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. "Merlin's beard, Sirius wrote on my face with toothpaste! I'm going to kill him!"

"Relax, Kingsley. The toothpaste is on the mirror," said Arthur. "Honestly, if you had hair, it would be blonde."


	36. Sirius Visits the Cafe

Sirius was walking down the street and was inexplicably hungry for some reason. "Gasp! I am hungry!" He spotted a nice little cafe, strolled in, and took a seat.

"OH MY GOSH! SOMEBODY PINCH ME! IT'S SIRIUS!"

Sirius felt his inside give a horrible squirm as he looked across the room at Vivian Cauldronsocks, who was wearing a blue apron and had a coffee pitcher in one hand. "You-You _work here_?" Sirius managed to squeak.

Vivian nodded her head excitedly. "I can't believe I actually get to serve Sirius Black! Did you know that I just got my bedroom painted? It says 'I Love Sirius Black' all over the walls." She giggled.

"Somebody kill me now," Sirius muttered.

"VIVIAN! COME WASH THESE DISHES RIGHT NOW!"

Vivian pouted. "Aw! But I wanted to spend some time with my beloved Sirius! Oh, well. Bye, Sirius!" She blew him a kiss and walked away.

Sirius stood up as soon as she was gone. He would just find some other cafe.

"Hello! Yoohoo!" said a voice. A man was sitting alone at a corner table sipping a mug of cold tea.

"Me?" said Sirius.

"Yes, you! Come here." The man beckoned and Sirius walked over to his table. His parents had never told him not to talk to strangers. The man smiled amiably. "Would you like to have some bread with me?" He gestured at his plate full of bread.

Sirius stared at him in shock. "Excuse me?"

"Would you like to have some bread with me? I've got some nice bread right here. We can even have a sandwich!"

Without a word, Sirius ran out of the cafe. He was traumatized forevermore.


	37. Harry's New Friend

"Sirius! Hey, Sirius!" Harry yelled up the stairs for his godfather.

Sirius soon appeared and slid down the stair banister. "Hi, Harry. What is it?"

"Sirius, I want you to meet someone." Harry pointed to a pale boy with blonde hair. "This is Draco Malfoy. He's been converted onto the path of good, so he and I are friends now."

Sirius stared at the two of them with an unreadable expression on his face. "Uh-oh. He's your boyfriend, isn't he?"

Harry looked revolted. "Ugh, of course not. It's nothing like that." Draco nodded in agreement.

"Are you sure?" asked Sirus.

"Yes!"

"It's okay, Harry. You can tell your godfather. It may not be something I entirely approve of, but I would accept your lifestyle."

Harry looked ready to tear Sirius' head off. "Do you not understand a word I've been saying, Sirius? I am _not_ dating Draco."

"Well I haven't heard Draco put in any protests," Sirius pointed out. "Draco, do you find my godson attractive? Do you daydream about his sexy green eyes and his messy black hair?"

Draco glared at him. "Of course not."

"Come on, Draco. Let's find somebody sane to talk to." Harry proceeded to ignore Sirius and led Draco out of the house.

Sirius shook his head. "No wonder I was unable to find him a girlfriend."


	38. Bad Hair Day

Harry stared at his godfather in horrified shock. " _Sirius_? What did you do to your hair?"

Sirius had dyed his hair a dark shade of red, much to Harry's dismay. "What?" said Sirus. "Don't you like it? Now I look like a Weasley!"

"Yes?" said Arthur Weasley, thinking that someone had called him. He walked into the room and gaped at Sirius, frozen with astonishment. "Sirius, what in the name of eckeltricity did you do to your hair?"

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair self-consciously. "Why doesn't anybody like it? I was just going for some pizzazz!"

"Sirius, please dye it back to your natural color," Harry begged. "Please!"

"Well, if it makes you happy, I guess I'll do it." Sirius turned around and planned to enter the bathroom, when Hermione appeared. "Oh Sirius, you look positively ravishing! I knew that color would do your eyes justice!"

Harry stared at Hermione. "What are you talking about? Was this _your_ idea?"

"Well of course it was. I'm his fashion consultant now!" Hermione took a close look at Harry. "Hmm... Harry, have you ever considered going blonde?"

Harry ran away. Far, far away.

"That godson of mine just doesn't know what's good for him," Sirius said sadly.


	39. Bad Hair Day: Part 2

"AAAGGHH!" screamed Sirius, as he looked at his reflection in the mirror the next morning. "What's happened to my hair?"

His hair had turned a sick gray color and each strand was dancing around wildly as if it had a mind of its own.

Harry sped into his godfather's bedroom. "What's the matter, Siri-AAAGGHH! Your hair!"

Sirius shoved Harry shoved out of his way, stomped down the stairs, and yelled, "HERMIONE!"

Hermione soon happily appeared. "Yes, Sirius? Do you want any more fashion tips?"

Sirius pointed at his head. "Look at what's happened to my hair! What was in that dye that you gave me?"

"Oh." Hermione shifted around uncomfortably. "I think the dye contained extracts from the Amazing Wiggly Worm and some extracts from Professor Sprout. That explains the wiggling and the gray color."

"Well now what do I do?"

"I know just the thing!" Hermione ran off and disappeared for a few minutes. She soon came back carrying her cat Crookshanks. "Animals that are part cat and part Kneazle have magical hair-healing powers!" She held Crookshanks up to Sirius' head. "Crookshanks, I want you to fix his hair."

Crookshanks scratched Sirius.

"Stupid cat!" said Sirius. "Hermione, this isn't working!"

"Of course it is! That's only the first step of the healing process. Crookshanks, I want you fix Sirius' hair right now!" Crookshanks licked Sirius' hair and then ran away.

Sirius was repulsed. "Eew, he licked me! And I bet that didn't even help." He grabbed a mirror and to his surprise, discovered that his hair was back to normal. It was black and unwiggling and absolutely wonderful.

Sirius had learned a very valuable lesson. Never accept hair products from Hermione Granger.


	40. Un-Halloween

"Happy Un-Halloween, Remus!" Sirius announced. He had invited Remus over to his house for what he called "a really great and scary tea party." Though it was the middle of summer, he had decorated the whole house in Halloween decorations and was sitting across from Remus sipping tea with chocolate syrup in it.

Remus raised his eyebrows. " _Un-Halloween?_ "

"Indeed, Remus." Sirius had just watched the Alice in Wonderland movie that Larry had lent him and was deeply inspired by the un-birthday that the Mad Hatter had thrown. "I've even got a costume and I'm going trick-or tricking!" He disappeared into his room to put his costume on.

Ten minutes later, he emerged wearing a ridiculous SpongeBob Squarepants costume. Remus simply stared at him. "What on earth are you wearing?"

"I'm SpongeBob, of course," said Sirius. "I'm ready! I'm ready! Well, I'm going trick-treating now. Bye!" He grabbed a pillowcase and went out into the street. When he was gone, Remus went into the kitchen and took all the chocolate. What Sirius didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

The first house Sirius went to was a magnificent manor. He chose the manor because big houses like that were bound to have all the best candy. They always do. He knocked on the door.

It was answered, to his surprise, by Lucius Malfoy, who was wearing a nightgown and looked as if he had been giggling earlier. "S-Sirius?"

Sirius grinned. "Happy Un-Halloween!"

"Lucius, who is it?" asked a voice. Snape appeared at Lucius' side, also wearing a nightgown. When he caught sight of Sirius, his mouth opened wide and he started to gasp like a fish out of water.

"Snivellus?" said Sirius. "What are you doing here?"

"He's here for a… um… a sleepover!" said Lucius hastily. "That's right, a sleepover!"

"Well can I have some candy?"

"No! Sevvy-er, I mean, Severus and I are busy! And take that stupid sponge outfit off!" Lucius slammed the door in Sirius' face.

"Oh well. I'll just trick-or-treat at the candy store. They always have candy!" So Sirius went to the candy store and trick-or-treated. Unfortunately, the people at the store thought that he was a hobo who was begging for food and they kicked him out.

"Nobody has any Un-Halloween spirit," Sirius said with a sigh.


	41. Kreacher's Birthday

"Happy birthday, Kreacher!" shouted Sirius. He actually wasn't sure when Kreacher's birthday was, but he made a wild guess at it. "We're going to celebrate! Won't that be fun?"

Kreacher merely grunted.

"Look, I even made you a cake!" Sirius presented the house-elf with the cake, which was covered in fluorescent pink icing and had 'Happy Birthday Kreacher' written on it.

Kreacher merely squinted.

Sirius danced around with a paper party hat on his head and started to sing. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Kreacher, happy birthday to you! YAY!"

Kreacher merely scratched himself under his loincloth.

Sirius seemed to be ignoring Kreacher's behavior. "And guess what else I've got for you? I got you a present!" He took a colorfully wrapped box out from behind a chair and set it down in front of Kreacher.

Kreacher merely drooled.

"Okay, then. I'll open it for you!" Sirius ripped off the paper, tossed it out the window like a proper litterbug, and showed the gift to Kreacher. "Look, it's Kitchen Fun Barbie. Now you and her can cook and clean together!"

Kreacher took the box, ripped the Barbie doll out and chewed on her head. "What would my mistress say about this? Arrrggghh!" He slunk away with the doll clasped in his hand.

Sirius wiped away a tear. "His first birthday party. He's growing up!"


	42. Sirius Watches Napoleon Dynamite

"Hey, Sirius. You've got mail!" yelled Remus, holding a package in his hands.

Sirius quickly appeared. "Oh, joy. I haven't gotten any mail in ages!" He took the box away from Remus and read the letter that came with it:

_Hi, Sirius._

_I have an American cousin and he sent me this movie. It's supposed to be some sort of popular cult movie in America. Hope you like it. Bye, Sirius!_

_From, Larry._

Sirius opened up the box and looked at the DVD. Pictured on the DVD cover was a boy with glasses and an afro wearing a nerdy brown suit. "Napoleon Dynamite."

"What?" said Remus.

"Napoleon Dynamite. That's the name of the movie Larry sent me." Sirius showed Remus the DVD.

"That guy looks like a complete idiot," said Remus. "I'd rather spend some quality time with my chocolate than watch that." Remus took a box of chocolate frogs out of his pocket and wandered away.

Sirius put the movie in the DVD player, sat down on the couch, and watched Napoleon have various pointless escapades with his friend Pedro. It changed Sirius' life forever.

Later that day, Remus told Sirius, "I think you need to buy some more chocolate."

"Maybe I will! Gosh!" Sirius said in a Napoleon Dynamite voice.

"What did you say?"

"Dang!" Sirius replied. "Whatever I feel like I wanna say! Such a flippin' idiot."

Remus was horribly frightened and left the house immediately. Sirius had obviously been brainwashed by yet another crazy movie.

Sirius watched him leave. "Idiot! _Gosh_!"


	43. Very Disturbing Indeed

"Malfoy, what are you doing in my house?" Sirius demanded, staring at Lucius Malfoy, who was standing a few feet away from him in his bedroom.

"I can be wherever I want to be," Lucius murmured quietly. "And I choose to be here." He looked up at Sirius from under his eyelashes.

"But I don't want you to be here! You'll probably take my chocolate." Sirius looked under his pillow and saw that there was nothing underneath it. "NO! You've gone and taken it already!"

"Actually, I took it," said Remus. He wandered away.

Lucius stepped closer to Sirius. "Hmm… Is it getting hot in here? I feel kind of hot."

"Er, no. The temperature is fine."

"Are you sure? It feels so hot in here!" Lucius started to unbutton his robes.

"NOOOO!" Sirius screamed, terrified out of his wits. "Get away from me! Get out of my house!"

But Lucius was already half-way out of his robes. Sirius tried to hit him with a stunning spell but his wand didn't seem to be working. Lucius was putting lipstick on…

"AAAHH!" Sirius's eyes flew open and he jumped out of bed. "Oh, good. It was only a dream." He was sweating slightly and his heart was beating very fast. "Only a dream."

"That's what you think," said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Lucius'.

Sirius fainted.


	44. Contacts

"You know what, Harry?" Sirius said to his godson. "I think you should get some contact lenses and throw away those tacky glasses."

Harry held onto his glasses protectively. "But my glasses are part of who I am!" His eyes filled up with tears.

Sirius laughed. "Oh, come on, Harry! You don't want to go around for the rest of your life looking like Napoleon Dynamite, do you?"

"Who's Napoleon Dynamite?"

"Never mind. Now I really think you should get contacts. Stop being a four-eyes!" Before Harry could stop him, Sirius grabbed Harry's glasses and stomped on them.

The tears fell from Harry's eyes. "I can't believe you! You broke my glasses!"

"So? You won't need those stupid glasses once you've got _these_ in!" Sirius took a box of contact lenses out of his pocket and handed them to Harry. "Go in the bathroom and try them on."

Harry muttered something that sounded oddly like "I hate you" and marched off to the bathroom.

About a minute later, he ran wailing out of the bathroom. "AAAGGHH! My eyes! They're burning my eyes!" He ran around in a circle and continued to scream.

Sirius grabbed Harry and managed to get the contacts out. "Um, maybe they were just poorly made or something."

Harry glared at him. "You couldn't pay me to wear those things! Since you broke my glasses, now my vision is going to be impaired forever!" He ran out of the house, bumped into a tree, knocked over a trash can, and ran off until he disappeared.


	45. Attack of the Altoids

"Hey, Harry. Look at this!" Sirius was holding a small metal container filled with little pink breath mints. "My Muggle friend Larry gave them to me. He says they're called Altoids."

"Why would Larry give you Altoids?" Harry asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe he thought I would find them magically delicious."

"Or maybe he thought you need them," Harry suggested.

"What exactly are you implying?" Sirius demanded. Deciding to ignore Harry's statement, he took five Altoids out of the container and popped them all into his mouth as if they were candy.

"Sirius, are you sure that's a good idea?" Harry asked nervously.

Sirius didn't answer. His eyes started to water and he ran into the bathroom so he could cough up his Altoids into the toilet. "My mouth! It's on fire! Burning!"

Harry sighed. "Well, Altoids are 'curiously strong', you know."

"Out of my way!" Sirius ran past Harry and hurried into the kitchen where he drank about ten glasses of water.

He was forever traumatized and never took another breath mint ever again.


End file.
